When the tide takes california

And here we are. I wanted to start this blog (or journal or however you want to call it) about 2022. Well… if you can do basic mathematics, it’s been three years. During that time I have paid for this website. No really, I have paid for a webservice that I don’t use and that also no one else consumes. A dormant website, a ghost on the world wide web. And even as I write this, I know that it will probably never be anything else for anyone other than me. The chances that this bit of content is read by anyone are extremely low. I know that. I don’t write for that purpose, well no, that is not entirely true. Maybe there is this romaticized idea behind it of working as a blogger and making my mone that way. If not, I wouldn’t write on this website. Yet, me writing right now is not out of the urge to go public and to get known. I write because much like this blog on the world wide web I feel like a ghost in my life. I feel like I took my life and gloriously drove it against a brick wall. But instead of getting out of the car and assessing the damage, I still sit there contemplating the wall. Being either to fearful or to comfortable to get out.

And in the meantime I sunk into the ground. Now I’m sitting at the bottom of this deep well (this metaphor doesn’t need to make sense to you, I really write this primarily for myself). Everything is dark. I can see a little bit of light when I look up. There are small steps built into the walls. I could walk up but that demands effort and taking risks. Much as with the brick wall I only stare into the darkness. Maybe walk in circles around at the bottom. And everyday the whole appears to get deeper and I see less and less light. I am afraid of failure, afraid of being alone, of other people’s opinions and of death (and probabaly a lot more) but what I am most afraid of is that light going out. Living a life in total darkness when everthing used to be so bright.

My life lies in pieces around me and I didn’t even notice when it shattered. My thoughts are in chaos and most of the time I don’t even let myself think and just procrastinate or distract myself with short dopamin bursts. The problem is that I don’t know what to belief, if my toughts are correct, if I can trust myself.

What do I want out of life, what do I want right now? Do I still want to be in the relationship I am in right now? What is my career or what topic interests me enough to go after? Where do I want to live? How do I want to live my life?

I don’t even know where to start while I still sit at the same spot. Doesn’t matter if in the car or at the bottom of a well. I don’t move. But I want to, I need to. This here is about me finding my way out because I know I can.